The best thing about French fries is the ketchup.  The best thing about apples is the peanut butter.  The best thing about a Rockies game is a hot dog.

No one who knows me would think I have a "Type A" personality, and I don't, but my Zodiac sign says otherwise.

Sometimes I actually DO sit on the couch and eat bon-bons.

If you close your eyes, Robert Downey, Jr. sounds exactly like Tom Hanks.

I hate people who  LIVE  OUT  LOUD !!!!!!!!

One word that could never be used to describe me:  fickle.

I am addicted to true crime shows like The First 48, The Investigators, Forensic Files, Cold Case Files, Disappeared, Stalked, Nightmare Next Door, etc... but not the dramas with actors like CSI.  My favorite channel is ID, Investigation Discovery.  

40 below zero is the same temperature in F as in C.

No President of the United States has ever divorced his wife who was in the White House with him. 

I am extremely concerned about the innocent people on Death Row, but I don't believe enough guilty criminals get sentenced to death, and death never comes soon enough to those who do... also... All cops, investigators, and prosecutors who help send innocent people to prison, should be sentenced to a prison term equal to the length of time their innocent person spent in prison before being released or put to death.  Maybe then, they would be very precise and extremely careful with facts and evidence so that the correct idiot can rot in prison, and the rest of us wouldn't have to worry about being innocent but convicted anyway.

I can't talk to or make eye contact with my pets without smiling at them.

Women I can't take my eyes off of:  Christina Applegate, Rachel Maddow, Melissa Joan Hart.  Don't know why.

Women I wish I'd never have to set eyes on again:   Soledad O'Brien, Anne Currey, Sandra Bullock.

Men I wish lived next door to me: Sean Connery, Michael Keaton, John Edward.  (not John Edwards)  

If your dog is overweight but you still want to give it treats, try canned green beans, canned carrots, or canned peas instead of "low fat" doggie treats.  Keep the green beans in a tupperware container in the fridge, take a couple out at a time, close the fridge, break the beans into about 4 pieces, BOOM!  He thinks he just got 4 treats!  Veggies are also great for training, instead of high fat meat or cheese treats.  But never never give a dog grapes. Or onions.

One of my biggest pet-peeves is when people say "ATM Machine" and "5am in the morning".

If a commercial has a tune that sticks in my head all day, I refuse to patronize that particular product, service, or company, just for driving me nuts.

I eat cookies and milk every day.

I think Seth is one of the strangest sounding names I have ever heard.  How would you say it if you had a lisp, like Barney Frank?

And now.... please enjoy the following tidbits, just for giggles :)

Every once in a while, I feel like I have a recommendation that someone might appreciate or benefit from in some way.  Some are silly, some are sincere.  Here's a short list....

Botox:  I have paid anywhere from $12-$18 "per unit" for botox injections, at places like my doctor's office, spas, and dermatology clinics.  It ended up costing about $350 each time.  Now I have found a really great place that only charges $8-$10 "per unit", so I get more bang for my buck, and I get away with spending fewer bucks each visit.   Plus, they give you these discounts points you can redeem on your next visit.  The doctor offers way more stuff, but I only do botox, and you can check it out: Happy Clinic Denver, Dr. Nguyen.  

Doggie Jackets:  I have a small long-haired dog who gets so wet and dirty during the winter when we go for walks, so I put a jacket or sweater on him so that less of him gets wet.  That's my disclaimer, so that people don't think I am over here dressing him up in cute outfits every day.  But it became a hassle because I had to first put his harness on him, one foot at a time, snap in at his shoulder blades, put the sweater over his head, each paw through the sleeves, put the harness hooks through the hole that I sewed in the top of the sweater, then attach the leash to the harness hooks.  (I can't use a regular neck collar on him because he would snap his neck trying to attack other dogs.)  It sounds like a hassle, and let me assure you, it was way worse getting him undressed after he had gotten wet and muddy.  Well, I went on Etsy.com and found a vendor who makes doggie jackets that you basically put over the dog's back like a horse blanket and then velcro under the chin and tummy, AND it has a harness hook built in at the shoulder blades.  I ordered the most handsome brown with teal blue paisley print jacket for my pup and I love this thing!  After I got the velcro adjusted under his chin, I left it intact so I  could just slip it on and off over his head.  Thus, I have a 1-step jacket and it's way easier for both of us.  It's called a harness vest and they are very reasonably priced and made to order.  Gracies Paw Prints.  Awesome stuff.  I also got a pink sparkly one withhearts and a pink bow for my little girl (kitty-cat) so I can keep her on a tether on the patio when she wants fresh air and sunshine.  She looks so pretty and is very comfortable in it.

Carrot Cake:  There's a restaurant at Park Meadows called Brio that I stumbled into one Wednesday afternoon.  Just my luck, martinis are $5 on Wednesdays.  Yay!  I ordered a huge salad with salmon on it, which was really good, and they have these cute little desserts in shot glasses.  I had the tiniest carrot cake that was hugely incredible.  The best I've ever tasted and I wish I could go there every day for this perfect treat.  It made me so happy!!

Mirena:  I wish I had heard about this 15 years ago!  I highly recommend Mirena.  Never have another "that time of the month".  Thank you God for Mirena.

Taster's Choice French Roast Instant Coffee:  I have a friend who sends me flavored coffees from Hawaii, and while they are always yummy, they're not all that strong..  When the coffee brews up a little weak, instead of just pouring it out and starting over using more grounds, I add a little spoonful of this powerful instant coffee to make it perfect. 

Iced Coffee:  Have you ever gotten a really yummy iced coffee, drank 1/2 of it and then suffered through the other half which is now mostly watered down from melted ice cubes?  I decided to make my own iced coffee at home, so I searched for recipes online and found a great tip.  Brew up some strong coffee, let it cool, then pour it into ice cube trays and freeze it.  When you use these coffee ice cubes, they melt into the iced coffee without watering it down.  The only thing to remember is, you might have to add a little sweetener either to the coffee in the cube trays, or to the coffee while the cubes are melting.  In my iced coffee, I also add vanilla creamer, 1/2 teaspoon imitation banana extract and 1/2 teaspoon imitation almond extract.  Oh yum! 

Teeth Whitening:  I think one of the best inventions of my lifetime so far is Crest Whitestrips.  I just don't understand why more people haven't used them yet... have you?  They are so convenient and easy to use and so quick!  And if you drink enough of my iced coffee recipe, you'll need to  try these Whitestrips :)

Low Cost Pet Services:  When I adopted my pup, he had really really bad horribly rotten teeth.  The adoption/rescue organization referred me to Every Creature Counts for dental treatment. All of his teeth needed to be extracted except for two on the bottom which are supposed to help his tongue stay straight in his mouth and not hang out the side.  I admit I was a little freaked out, but the teeth were dead.  The entire procedure cost $135, and he needed pain meds and antibiotics afterward, which were an additional $20.  The next year, my cat needed to have a dental cleaning and only 1 tooth extracted.  I took him to my regular local vet, instead of driving all the way up to Ft. Lupton.  My vet charged me $800!!!  Yes, eight hundred frickin dollars!  Every Creature Counts offers low cost vaccines and spay/neuter surgery, but it's not a general vet clinic.  They also accept donations, by the by....

Tequila:  I'm not a silver tequila girl.  I like the gold stuff in my refreshing afternoon margarita.  Last year  I found this one brand, "Two Fingers", just to try something new.  I guess  because I wasn't  in love with any other brand enough to be loyal to it.  But this Two Fingers gold tequila was on sale for around $10, and I tried it and really really liked it.  So since last summer, everytime I ran out, I went and got another bottle of Two Fingers.  The last time, I got 2 bottles.  Ain't like I ain't gonna drink it, right?  Then I moved.  My new local liquor stores don't have that kind.  So I bought something I thought might be similar, "Margaritaville" gold tequila.  Yukk.  Don't get this kind.  I may have to go a couple of burbs north, but I'm getting me some more Two Fingers. 

Wine for entertaining:  You can't go wrong with Beringer's White Zinfandel.  How do I know?  It's on EVERY wine list in EVERY restaurant, and there's a very good  reason: most people like it.  It is best served very very cold. 

Micro-fiber Fleece Sheets:  These are super soft bedsheets that make you feel like you are sleeping inside a big super soft sweatshirt.  They're already warm when you get into bed and they keep you all snuggly all night.  If you tend to get too hot and/or sweat during the night, these sheets are NOT for you.  But otherwise, comfy comfy comfy!!!

My Zone Headphones:  I don't know about you, but I HATE it when I can't hear the TV show I'm watching.  Whether it's because the windows are open and there's noise from outside or because I'm going from room to room dusting or putting laundry away, it gets on my last nerve when I miss something pivotal and have to pick up the remote and hit the review button.  So I got these headphones which look and feel a little rinky-dink, but they aren't.  They're wonderful.  Terrific.  Marvelous.   There's a little transponder doo-hickey that hooks up so easily to the TV or DVD or DVR, and it sits beside or on top of the TV, and the headphones are wireless.  The headphones have thick padding and they fit over the entire ear; so they don't have those painful ear buds.   And you know how commercials are always louder than the TV shows?  These equal that out somehow.  The sound is very clear and I can either keep the TV volume on (for other people in the room) or mute it so my pets can sleep :)  Now I don't miss anything no matter how far I walk away from the TV, even when I'm starting a load of laundry or handwashing dishes.  Love 'em!  I ordered mine online and got a free headset, but you can also buy them at Walgreens.

Polls.  I usually don't give much credence to polls, mostly because, well, no one polled ME.  So then it makes me wonder, who did they ask in my stead?  However, if the results of the polls suggest a result that I would agree with, well then, of course they gotta be accurate.

If we breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, why did someone invent mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

The bright person who decides to package and sell single right-handed rubber gloves will become very wealthy.

Why is Phillipines spelled with a Ph, but Filipino is spelled with an F?

If someone has a last name that may be embarrassing, or may be an easy target for bullies or jokesters, why don't they just change their names?  The guy at the top of my list of people who should have changed their names: Dick Butkis.  If I had even said his name out loud in front of my mother, I would have had my mouth slapped. And if your last name is spelled like Boner, don't just act like it's supposed to be pronounced Baner.  It's Boner (Boehner).  Another thing with last names I don't get: hypenated last names.  If a little girl is named Ann Smith-Jones, and she grows up to marry Adam Martin-Taylor, what the hell name is she supposed to honor, and what last name(s) will their children have?

You have very sexy freckles.

Your pictures make you look taller than you are.

Your website must weed out a lot of weirdos.

You have the shoulders of a swimmer.

Austere:  Rigorously self-disciplined and severely moral; uncompromising, strict; grave, sober, solemn, serious

Panacea:  A remedy for all diseases or illnesses; an answer or solution for all problems.

Molotov cocktail:  An incendiary bomb made from a breakable container, such as a bottle, filled with flammable liquid and provided with a rag wick. Used by the Soviets against the invading German armies in World War II, these bombs were nicknamed after V. M. Molotov, a foreign minister of the Soviet Union at that time.  Always wondered why it was called that...

vociferous:  crying out noisily; clamorous; loud, noisy, vocal, uproarious, boisterous

leviathan:  anything of immense size and power, as a huge oceangoing ship;  any huge marine animal

(sic):  usually written parenthetically to denote that a word, phrase, passage, etc., that may appear strange or incorrect has been written intentionally or has been quoted verbatim.  I always wondered if sic was short for a longer word, but I guess not...

Here are some of the dumbest things my  (ex)clients have said to me...... (unfortunately, the list grows)

I don't really like red hair.

My dad's last name is Cutler. Jay Cutler.

You have too many rules.

Obama is a fucking muslim terrorist.

I figure I qualify for the frequent flyer discount by now.

You must be pretty hard up since  you're advertising on backpage.

You shouldn't even charge me, we get along so good.

Are these sheets clean? 

You could lose a couple pounds...but... I could lose 10.

Quotes from wanna-be clients, who never got to be clients:

Can you meet me somewhere so I can see if I like you?

I can't afford your services, but maybe we could meet for coffee? 

If you see me for free, me and my 5 friends will give you good reviews. 

I don't mind paying your price, but not for a covered bj.

I have really been surprised lately by stories my clients share of their bad experiences with "ladies".  One client told me that when he showed up at the lady's hotel room, she waas not the girl in the pic in the ad, she took his money, went into the restroom "to change", came back out fully clothed, and told him to leave or she would call the police, and she obviously refused to give him his money back.

I continue to hear that the girl who answers the door is definitely not the girl in the ad they responded to.... and when confronted with that issue, the girls give the same lame excuses, hoping that the guy will stay anyway.  They don't always stay, especially if that girl is REALLY not what they are looking for.

I guess the more I hear about this stuff happening, I am not so put-off when men ask me "is that really you in the ad" or "are your pictures accurate".  I would never think to mislead someone who is eventually going to see me face to face.  This isn't phone sex, where you can be a heffer and fake it.  I guess I am pretty gullable...I really thought that all the pix in the ads were accurate and/or actually the girl who shows up or answers the door.  I always thought, wow, there are some pretty girls in these ads.  The other thing is, when girls say "upscale location", and it ends up being a run down motel or shady apartment complex or stinky little shack house.  I figured upscale meant upscale.  I didn't know there were so many different variations of a definition.  My home is in an upscale/newer/upper middle class/discreet neighborhood.  The inside is light and clean, tastefully decorated and smells fresh like Pier 1.  To me, that's upscale.  Is it a mansion?  No. If it were a mansion, I would say "mansion" in my ad.

You know, it's not only the gentlemen who are ticked off about being ripped off.  The upstanding ladies are a little sick of the rip-off artists hitting our upstanding gentlemen, and not to mention, making us all seem shady.  We're not all shady.  I'm sun-shiney :)

All of us Ladies see older gentlemen.  Some of us ONLY  see older gentlemen.  We need to know, at what age do you all-of-a-sudden feel that you don't have to wash your armpits?  Or your hair?  Or your, ummm, "backside"?  Either a gentleman will tell me "I just showered at home" or he will shower at my incall, and  he will STILL smell like he didn't wash with soap.  And maybe he did, but the stench is sunk so deep into the skin that one pass with the soap will not do?  We don't get it......

When you know the drill, i.e. PAY FIRST, why do you leave your wallet in the men's room and present yourself for pampering?  Why?  We don't get it......

Why do some men give false provider references?  Why have us call 1 or 2 ladies whom you have NOT seen, or with whom you have a bad rapport, or to whom you have shorted payment?  Do you think we don't check your references?  Do you think we are so desperate for cash that we'll see ANYONE who calls us without checking references?  Do you think we don't share with other ladies the truth about you when we are asked to provide a reference?  Why waste our time?  We don't get it.....

Why would you show up for your appointment smelling and appearing like you, umm, how do I put this delicately, just satisfied yourself?  It defeats the purpose, doesn't it?  We don't get it.....

Bringing a gift is absolutely not required to get on our good side.  If you are so inclined to bring a gift to a lady's incall, and you carry it out in the open clearly visible to the world, you will most certainly get on her bad side.  What do you think our neighbors think when they see you carring a pretty pink gift bag full of lingerie?  NOT discreet at all...... We would rather not receive a gift.

By the way, in case you're curious, I receive frequent emails from other ladies praising me for telling it like it is on my website.  Even if some fellows think I am abrasive or downright rude throughout my website, let me just say on behalf of myself and all these other ladies, it is called-for, because some clients just don't get it.

Tea Parties are for little girls with imaginary friends.